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Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Says I'm Too Fat For Sex

Tres Community — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 04:26:04 PST

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. I was overweight when we got together and have since lost 20+ pounds. We had wonderful sex at first which tapered off then finally stopped altogether. We have been going to the gym regularly and I have changed my diet to exclude processed food and eat as healthily as possible. Last month he told me I was too fat to be sexually attractive to him. I was stunned and completely at a loss for words.

When I finally got my thoughts and temper under control, I tried talking to him, telling him that it was very hurtful and mean to say that to me. He said he wasn't sorry and that's what the TV show "Biggest Loser" has taught him to do. He still maintains he is perfectly right for saying that to me. I am doing my best to become financially stable enough to tell him to leave and have also told him I will never have sex again with him again.

When we are home together, he follows me everywhere, goes everywhere I do and it drives me crazy. When he's at work he calls me three times during each break to talk with me, but there is never anything really to talk about.

Because of what he said, he has become sexually unattractive to me. Was he justified in what he said, like he tells me he is?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Does Being Around Heavier People Give You Confidence?

FitSugar — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 04:30:29 PDT

It's tough not to compare ourselves to others when it comes to our weight and appearance. Some of you have already shared that seeing gorgeously toned and slender (and most likely photoshopped) models in magazine ads makes you feel bad about yourself. And one reader even said a skinny friend made her feel self-conscious. This made me wonder, if being around thin people makes you self-conscious about your appearance, does being around heavier people make you feel better?

Weigh In: My Mother-in-Law Comments About My Body

FitSugar — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 03:30:18 PDT

This reader has a tough situation with her mother-in-law. She sure could use your thoughtful advice.

I recently visited my husband's family, and am just steaming. I get along really well with his parents, and appreciate how they've welcomed me as a daughter, but I can't deal with my mother-in-law's comments about my body. She's super honest and open, but she has no filter from her brain to her mouth when it comes to her thoughts and opinions. For example, as soon as we arrived, she hugged me, then looked me up and down and said, "You seem a little softer - are you pregnant?" I was stunned, but answered, "No, I just haven't been hitting the gym as much." And she said, "Oh don't worry. You haven't gained too much weight in your butt." This isn't the first time she's noticed that I packed on a few pounds. Last time we visited, she asked if I was eating a lot of salt because my face looked puffy.

I know she's not deliberately trying to hurt my feelings, but I'm becoming really self-conscious about my body whenever I see her. She herself is always talking about her appearance, how fat she is, and how she's on this diet and that diet, so I know body image is on her mind constantly. I just don't want to hear it anymore. I've talked to my husband and he just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well at least she's honest. You know she's not hiding anything from you." Great. He's no help. Any suggestions? I dread going to see her now, which is at least once a month.
-Self-Conscious and Annoyed

If you have a question you need an answer to, post it here. The FitSugar Community is sure to offer you helpful tips and insightful advice.

Obesity Doesn't Affect Men in the Bedroom, Well Sort Of

FitSugar — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 15:00:34 PDT

Unfortunately, I wasn't all that shocked to read that a recent study reported "being fat can be bad for the bedroom, especially if you're a woman." What blows my mind is that although obesity affects women's ability to find action under the sheets, obese men don't have much trouble.

One important reason women are more accepting of portly men is personality often trumps appearance. Or maybe the men are powerful or rich (think Tony Soprano or possibly Jack Black), so women overlook their extra weight. Interestingly enough, obese women are 30 percent less likely to find a sexual partner than normal-weight women not because guys are not attracted to them. The most likely reason is that plus-sized women tend to suffer from depression and low self-esteem and are less likely to put themselves out there to find someone.

Although larger men may have no problem getting a woman into the bedroom, it's reported that being overweight increases problems with erectile dysfunction. For both men and women, added weight can make the actual act of sex a challenge. And if they do have sex, heavyset women are less likely to seek out birth control, making them four times more likely, when compared with normal-weight women, to have an unplanned pregnancy.

Living without sex might not be life-threatening like diabetes or high blood pressure, but it does affect a person's happiness and quality of life. Not only does losing extra pounds improve your health and self-confidence, but when your pants become so loose they fall off, you might just have a reason to keep them off.

Glee's Amber Riley Loves Her Curves, Her Body, Herself

FitSugar — Tue, 11 May 2010 02:00:36 PDT

Glee has quickly become my new favorite show - how could you not love it after seeing Olivia Newton John's amazing remake of "Get Physical"? And in the episode "Home" from a couple weeks back, I fell in love with Amber Riley's character, Mercedes.

After being asked to drop 10 pounds for the cheerleading team, Mercedes realizes that sacrificing her health for her looks just "isn't me." With society's pressures to be thin, Amber's character is someone we can all relate to, and in a recent issue of People magazine she said,

"When I receive letters from girls that say, 'You give me confidence,' I think, 'Wow, this is amazing.' That's my goal: to let people know it's truly what's on the inside that counts."

In the interview, we find out that weight issues aren't exactly a new theme for Riley. To hear more about her struggles, keep reading

Are You Destined to Have Your Mother's Body?

FitSugar — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 09:00:58 PST

Like mother, like daughter, right? When I look at old photos of my mom at my age, we look exactly alike. Some children resemble their parents so closely that there's no doubt in your mind that they're related. So does that mean a woman is destined to grow up to look like her mom, and inherit the same body type, whether it be wide hips, large thighs, or a flat tush?

One finding proved that apple-shaped bodies are more likely to be seen passed down through family trees than pear-shaped and thin frames. That's because it's not just your mother's genes you inherit, but also your father's. Since men usually store fat in their bellies, this body shape can often be passed on to his children.

Don't worry just yet if you're not too psyched about growing up to look like your parents. The good news is that although your inherited genes may determine up to 80 percent of your weight and shape, you're not destined to have a tire around your waist just because your mom does. Your environment and personal choices also play a major role. Another good point to bring up is that your mother's generation wasn't encouraged to exercise like women are today, so a regular exercise routine can make a huge difference in what your body looks like when you reach your mother's age.

Tell me, do you already see your mother or father's shape when you look in the mirror?

Do You Complain to Friends About Your Weight?

FitSugar — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 03:47:22 PST

I have a friend who is constantly talking to me about her quest to lose weight. She's been dieting with Weight Watchers and hitting the gym regularly, but the scale is slow to budge. When we go clothes shopping, she's always making negative comments about the parts of her body she wishes would shrink. I love that she feels comfortable blabbing about her insecurities, because let's face it - what woman isn't self-conscious about her appearance in some way? I too have struggled with losing weight at times in my life (post-college and post-babies), and as her friend and a fellow health-conscious person, I try to be supportive. Plus, she's a great friend to confide in when I've overdone it in the dessert department and feel like I need to wear my fat jeans. Sometimes talking about our weight issues makes us feel better, knowing we're not the only ones who wish the fat deposited in our tush would migrate to our bust. So tell me . . .

Would You Dump Your Partner For Making Comments About Your Weight?

FitSugar — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 13:30:28 PST

Jennifer Love Hewitt admits that she almost dumped her boyfriend, comedian Jamie Kennedy, when they first got together because he referred to her as "my little pear ass" after seeing her in a bikini. Having been slammed by the media over her weight in the past, it makes sense that she is sensitive to these kind of remarks. She's also not feeling the pear love: "Have you seen a pear? It starts thin, it gets fat and it never gets thin again. It's not cute. It's not a cute fruit."

I'm thinking he probably meant it as a term of endearment so I'm a little surprised she would have broken up over it. The pair worked out the issue and have since "embraced the pear," she says.

What would you do in a similar situation?

Speak Up: Holidays, Family Visits, and Comments About Your Weight

FitSugar — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 11:00:22 PST

If you're like me, you don't get to see your extended family too often, except around holidays. No matter what, I always get comments from relatives about how I look (that's just how my family is). It makes me feel self-conscious, especially when the heavier-set women remark about my thin frame. It's not that I'm super skinny at all, I just eat right and work out, and well, they don't. Does this happen to you? How do you feel about this time of year, when you get together with family members and they comment about your figure? If you have lost weight and a relative notices does it make you happy or uncomfortable?

Guess Who Said It?

FitSugar — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 11:00:55 PDT

Can you guess which breast cancer survivor said this when she first heard the news of her diagnosis?

"Even though it ran in my family, I never in a million years thought it would happen to me. I was scared sh**less."