FitSugar

Weigh In: My Mother-in-Law Comments About My Body

FitSugar — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 03:30:18 PDT

This reader has a tough situation with her mother-in-law. She sure could use your thoughtful advice.

I recently visited my husband's family, and am just steaming. I get along really well with his parents, and appreciate how they've welcomed me as a daughter, but I can't deal with my mother-in-law's comments about my body. She's super honest and open, but she has no filter from her brain to her mouth when it comes to her thoughts and opinions. For example, as soon as we arrived, she hugged me, then looked me up and down and said, "You seem a little softer - are you pregnant?" I was stunned, but answered, "No, I just haven't been hitting the gym as much." And she said, "Oh don't worry. You haven't gained too much weight in your butt." This isn't the first time she's noticed that I packed on a few pounds. Last time we visited, she asked if I was eating a lot of salt because my face looked puffy.

I know she's not deliberately trying to hurt my feelings, but I'm becoming really self-conscious about my body whenever I see her. She herself is always talking about her appearance, how fat she is, and how she's on this diet and that diet, so I know body image is on her mind constantly. I just don't want to hear it anymore. I've talked to my husband and he just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well at least she's honest. You know she's not hiding anything from you." Great. He's no help. Any suggestions? I dread going to see her now, which is at least once a month.
-Self-Conscious and Annoyed

If you have a question you need an answer to, post it here. The FitSugar Community is sure to offer you helpful tips and insightful advice.

You Asked: Rude Comments While Running Outside

FitSugar — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 08:00:00 PDT

Dear Fit,
I just started running and am quickly becoming addicted. I'm not exactly thin (which is why I started running), and just about every time I head out for a run, I hear rude comments from people on the street. People scream out of cars, from their porches, and I've even heard little kids yell from the school bus. They say hurtful things such as, "Run, fatty, run," and "Are you running to McDonald's?" It's not just the comments, it's the stares too. I can't afford to join a gym, but this makes me not want to run outside. What should I do?
-Hurt but Determined Debbie

First of all, I think it is great that you have started running. I have found it the most convenient and effective form of exercise for weight loss. You have decided to do something healthy for yourself and should be applauded for your effort. I think it is really a shame that people are so disrespectful to you. I'm sure many of our readers can also relate to impolite or downright offensive comments from others. I have some suggestions, though. To hear them

Run with headphones. Play music or a book on tape to drown out any comments.
Put your anger to good use and run faster.
Run in a less populated area. I'm not saying you should go to a sketchy abandoned parking lot, but city streets are always crowded with cars and pedestrians. Find a quiet neighborhood, a park, a bike bath, or even the woods. Run with a buddy to help you feel more safe.
Run at a different time of day. Early morning, noon, and after work are times when most people are free, so that means you'll be seeing more people outside. If you can, workout mid-morning or mid-afternoon. Since most people are at their jobs, there should be fewer people out on the streets to bother you.
Whatever you do, don't give the person any of your attention. Don't look at them, don't say anything smart back (though I know you want to), don't flip them the bird, and definitely don't run up to them and give them a piece of your mind. They're mostly doing it to get a rouse out of you anyway, so if you let them know you're upset, they're more likely to continue the comments in the future.

Remember, you are the person out there running. These folks are probably just sitting in their cars doing nothing while you're burning calories. You're doing something great for yourself and to that I say, keep on trucking!

If you have any other suggestions for Debbie, please share them in the comment section below.

Source

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Minutes

Laura Marie Given — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 11:20:00 PDT

While Matthew McConaughey is stripping down in Magic Mike these days, we can't help but reminisce about his iconic role in the rom-com How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. In the movie, Andie Anderson showed us quite a few dating don'ts - from a superstitious love fern to an eerie scrapbook of future children - but it's possible to lose a guy's attention long before the 10-day mark. First impressions matter, so how you act during an introduction can make or break any chance of a first date. Looking for love? See what not to do and learn how to lose a guy in 10 minutes. Follow these steps and all bets are off:

Make it all about you. One of the fastest ways to turn off a guy is to rattle on about your day, your friends, your family - all without asking him a single question. Go for a conversation, not a monologue, and leave room for him to listen and respond.
Make it all about him. It shouldn't be a one-sided interrogation, either. Steer clear of 20 Questions so that he doesn't feel like he's in the hot seat.
Scan the room. If you're constantly surveying your surroundings, he's going to feel like he's not good enough - and that you're not worth the time. Maintain eye contact to show your interest and let him know that you care about what he has to say.
Say you're a "guy's girl." Bragging that you're just one of the guys will make him think that you can't get along with other girls. (Talk about a red flag.) Step back and see what you're really trying to express, whether it's your love for sports or your low-key attitude.
Chug your drinks. It's fine to sip your drink throughout the interaction, but if you're looking for lasting love, avoid any top-to-bottom swigs. Drinking heavily can send the wrong signal and you're likely to ruin your conversation skills.

Keep reading for more dating dealbreakers.

"What Do I Do If I Have a Crush on My Boyfriend's Brother?"

Tres Community — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 03:05:00 PDT

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been dating my boyfriend for four years now and he's my first boyfriend. Overall, he's pretty amazing. I got seriously injured in a car accident and it took me a long time to fully recover. During that time, I wasn't able to work much and my boyfriend helped me to make payments on school loans and things like that. He pays attention to me, he's romantic - the only thing that occasionally gets on my nerves is that he can be stubborn. I guess we just think differently: I try to look at all angles of an argument and he just tends to think that his way is right. Still, everyone has their flaws.

My boyfriend has a brother who is two years older. They're similar in lots of ways, only his brother is more introspective, I guess, like me. I've always liked that about him and I've always thought he was very intelligent and kind. Recently, though, I was talking to my boyfriend's brother and I caught myself feeling kind of crush-like. I was thinking that he was cute and wishing that my boyfriend were a bit more like him.

Now I feel like a terrible person and I'm wondering what the heck is going on. I think it all started when my boyfriend's aunt was teasing all her nephews about getting married. My boyfriend's brother said, "Well, things have to be right" - as in, stable career situation, etc. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was sort of combative about it. Later on, when we were alone, he seemed very angry about the whole thing. He said that he should have told everyone how romantic getting married was - that I have about $100,000 in school loans see how "romantic" they thought that was. It made me feel embarrassed and really bad about my financial situation. My boyfriend then went on a bit of a rant about how people try to "push life milestones at you" like marriage and kids, and he thinks it's ridiculous and rude and none of their business. I don't really disagree with what he said, but I guess I was just a little shocked at how upset he seemed about it. Eventually, I found myself thinking how nice it would be if he were more like his brother and a little less stubborn and starkly realist. And then I felt awful again.

I don't know what's going on. At the end of our vacation together, we all got drunk and my boyfriend's brother and I stayed up talking about random stuff for a long long time. He told me that my jeans were pretty after I told him that I liked his jacket and I felt like I was having fun. I didn't want to go to bed and have to say goodbye in the morning.

Am I just realizing that my boyfriend's brother and I are good friends? Or does my reaction sound really inappropriate? I've been thinking that I maybe have been projecting my annoyance with my boyfriend, but right now I'm too close to the situation to see what's what.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Wedding Etiquette: The Plus-One Issue

Laura Marie Given — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 09:15:00 PDT

One of the trickiest elements of wedding etiquette is the plus-one problem: who gets a date, who doesn't, and how do you know one way or the other? Invitation wording should make it crystal clear, but not everyone is familiar with the common wedding protocol. If you're confused about the "and guest" arrangement, we have the answers to the most common plus-one questions:

Who gets a plus-one?
A good rule of thumb: For both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself, all spouses, fiancés, and live-in partners should be invited. As for long-term boyfriends and girlfriends, it's more or less up to you, but it's smart to go with a hard and fast rule - all or none - to keep things fair across the board.

How do you clarify plus-ones on the invitation?
Two magic words: "and guest." The name(s) on the inner envelope are the only people who are invited, so if you'd like to offer your guest the opportunity to bring a date, you must write: "Miss X and Guest." Otherwise, based on traditional etiquette, she should understand that there's no plus-one involved.

What if a guest replies for an uninvited plus-one?
It may be an awkward conversation, but you shouldn't hesitate to reach out and politely let the guest know that your budget doesn't allow for any guest list additions. As Anna Post writes in the Emily Post etiquette guidelines, "It's not okay for guests to ask you to make exceptions, so it won't be rude in the least to stand by your guest list."

What about children?
Again, stick with an all-or-none guideline to keep things fair. Guests may be offended if you make an exception for one family but not theirs, so be sure to communicate clearly whether or not children are welcome at the wedding. If you're struggling with the decision, try establishing an age guideline - no one under 18, for instance - to stay consistent.

Have any tips for keeping the guest list clear? Share your advice in the comments below!

Photo by Photo Pink courtesy of Style Me Pretty

"After Text Fling With Guy Friend, I Haven't Heard From Him"

Tres Community — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 03:05:00 PST

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've had a text "fling" (OK let's call it what it is: flirty pic swapping with a lot of chatter, both sexy and not) with a longtime buddy and I think I've been had. Not sure what the etiquette is in this situation, but after two messages over two days asking how he is with no reply (he had a pretty bad cold), I think the right way to go about this is pretend it never happened, right?

I have no intention of sending any more messages ('cause really, I'm not going to be *that* woman who keeps pushing and pushing then comes off looking slightly imbalanced), but it doesn't change the fact that I'm kind of miffed and a little disappointed that it ended up this way. So, wise ladies of Group Therapy, how do I proceed? As it stands, I'm cutting my losses, treating this as a cautionary example of what can go wrong and letting it serve as a reminder for the next time something like this comes up . . . but what do I do if he does text me again? Is it rude to ask what the heck happened and to lay out some "ground rules" if you will or should I just tell him I'm not interested (I am though, which is the worst part) You'd think that being in my mid-30s, I'd have a clue, but this is pretty new territory for me.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

4 Ways to Be a Conscientious Texter

Kelly Schwarze — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 06:30:39 PST

Text messaging can be a tricky world to navigate; ignoring real life for the digital can cause offense, while failing to respond to a text may leave others furious. Naturally, the experts in etiquette at the Emily Post Institute have a guide for keeping the tech-savvy public polite in their texting. Here's what you need to know to text with care.

Don't text when you wouldn't call - As the Emily Post Institute says, "text messaging is not an alternative to using the phone when calling would be considered rude." If you're not taking a call during a business meeting or class, don't start texting either.
Keep it on the down-low - "Don’t text-message anything confidential, private, or potentially embarrassing." There's always the chance a significant other or co-worker may be looking over your shoulder when you're checking in on a recent friend-venting session.
Respect is key - Remember, no one can judge your tone on a text, therefore others might not realize when things are urgent or they might think you're handling a sensitive situation rudely. Keep all important updates including urgent business or upsetting personal news to a real phone call.
Stay cool - A handy lesson, especially in the tumultuous beginnings of a new relationship: keep calm when you don't get an immediate reply from someone. You never know what they're caught up in and why they can't return your text.

Do you have any tips to improve texting etiquette? Share them in the comments!

Source: Flickr User iamtheo

4 Things Not to Discuss With Co-Workers

SavvySugar — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 05:07:05 PST

Friendships with your co-workers are inevitable - and a great way to connect to your workplace - but it's important to set a few conversation boundaries. Avoid these four topics to maintain a sense of professionalism and keep your office relationships work-appropriate.

Dollars and cents: It's no secret that salary talk should be avoided, but it's not just paychecks that ought to remain private. Debt, mortgage, and loans - yours or anyone else's - are a personal concern, and if money matters come up, the best thing to do is sidestep the subject and steer the conversation elsewhere.
Office rumors: There will always be cubicle gossip, but that doesn't mean you need to participate. You want to be known for your work, not your rumor radar. Even if you trust a co-worker and your intentions are good, there's still a chance that you'll be misunderstood, overheard, or otherwise caught up in the drama. Use your wit to comment on last night's TV highlights instead.

Keep reading for more topics to avoid with co-workers

4 Dealbreakers That Are Actually Dealbreakers

Lizzie Fuhr — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 04:00:38 PST

Ever since we saw Liz Lemon dish her advice on 30 Rock, this concept of dealbreakers has been all over the pop culture stratosphere. While it's important to have a set of standards that you hold yourself and your partner to, sometimes the things we think are dealbreakers can be pretty trite. For example, how much money he makes, how tall he is, or his favorite band are not the key ingredients for a solid relationship. It's pretty ironic; we somehow seem to overlook things that are more obvious and important when it comes to love. Interested in where I'm going with this? Here are four dealbreakers that are actually dealbreakers.

He hates on his mom or sisters. If he grew up without respect for women, it's going to be a hard gig to try to turn him around. Being rude to his mom or his sisters constantly or refusing to listen or connect with them when they reach out is an absolute dealbreaker. If he sees no importance at all in being a mench now, it's not going to change later.
He's stuck in his ways. If he's lacking an open heart or open mind and isn't willing to see things from a different perspective, cut him loose. A solid relationship is built on a foundation of compromise. Without an ability to see things from another person's POV, you're going to have a lot of trouble moving through conflict together.
He doesn't have a close network of friends. I never thought this was a dealbreaker, but it has been coming up time and time again in conversations with women in successful, consummate relationships. You can't be his whole life. Guys who smother typically feel a serious lack of friends or community. Therefore, you become the center of his world, and that's a full-time job. He's got to have his own life. If he can't keep a group of friends - I'm sorry to say it - that's a red flag, sister.
You don't feel good when you're around him. Yes, I get it. This one seems pretty obvious, but you'd be surprised how many girls I know stay in relationships with guys they simply don't like. Recognize that you deserve someone who makes you feel happy and light, not someone who continuously brings you down.

Do you have any dealbreakers that are absolutely nonnegotiable? I'm dying to know! Add them in the comments below.

5 Reasons Not to Bash Your Ex on Social Media

Lizzie Fuhr — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 02:00:59 PST

Last weekend, Kat Von D wrote a public note on her Facebook page provocatively titled: "Thank you, Jesse James." Certain aspects of her personal note conveyed a message of healthy healing. With that said, there were more than a few stinging comments that seemed a little out of place for someone coming from a place of "love and light."

After a breakup you might have a genuine desire to move on, but any sort of public bashing, whether it's honest or not, is an open ticket for outsiders to misconstrue your words. Openly criticizing an ex on any form of social media is a bad idea; here are five things to remember before you bash and click.

It's not going to make you feel any better. For a hot second you may feel like you've accomplished something, but at the end of the day, bashing your ex on social media is going to do nothing but stir up hurt feelings from the past. Whether you're a public figure like Kat or not, a public bash is an open invitation for your Facebook friends and Twitter followers to give their opinion on your heartache. At the end of the day, the only person who can really make you feel better is you.
It's always better to take the high road. I get it. Your heart is hurt and you want to bring that pain back to your ex. The truth is the bashing or cruel words are not going to do anything but hurt you more. Fixating on your lost love will only make you feel more hurt. No matter how dirty your ex did you, no matter how much you feel he messed up your world, it's always better to keep your nasty thoughts to yourself and take the high road.
If you genuinely need to make peace with yourself, Facebook is not a place to do it. Facebook and Twitter are wonderful ways to connect with people we care about and share information in a whole new arena. But there's nothing worse than opening your stream and seeing people whining or complaining. It's just not the right forum for this kind of conversation. If you're really upset and not sure where to turn, call a close friend or family member. This is always the better option.

Keep reading for two more reasons to rethink bashing your ex on social media.