FitSugar -- Healthy, happy you.

Group Therapy: Why Can't I Get Over This?

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 04:00:00 -0800

I've never been one to have serious relationships, so after dating a guy for a couple months this Summer, I developed real feelings for him. However, I don't think the relationship started out on the right foot as I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend at that time. I ended up bringing him home on the first date — we did not sleep together but things progressed rather quickly from there on out. It has now been five months since I broke off the five-month relationship, and I am still beating myself up for the way I handled things.

I broke it off because I wanted a more serious relationship and he did not; I wasn't going to continue dating him with no commitment. I feel like he didn't see the best of me as my behavior changed during the course of our relationship. I know this was a learning experience but I am wondering why I can't get over it. I feel like I still have something to prove to him and I can't let go of it. Do you have any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

Source

Group Therapy: Am I in a Dead End Relationship?

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 04:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half — long distance. We've exchanged "I love yous" and he says he wants to spent the rest of his life with me, but I'm afraid he's all talk.

I am currently on a break from grad school, heading back in a month while he's in between jobs with some prestigious interviews lined up, looking to relocate. I toyed with the idea of taking a semester off and moving in with him for awhile, but he rejected my plan and told me to finish school first.

I am sick of only seeing him once every one or two months and I've told him that I'm not happy with our arrangement — I feel like I'm always waiting for him to call the shots. I asked for a break until we've both decide what we want to do with our careers, but he said he doesn't believe in breaks; that we're either in or out. I'm afraid I'm going to be waiting for him forever, missing other opportunities to meet new people. Should I keep holding on, or is this a dead end relationship?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

Source

Torn Between Two

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:11:41 -0800

I am 23 yrs old and have been with my boyfriend since I was 17. We have a 3 yr old son and we have lived together since he was born. My boyfriend is the only man I have ever been in a relationship with, and the only man I have ever had a sexual relationship with. We have had a rocky relationship (especially since we had our son) and I have questioned my reasons for staying with him, and have been very unhappy for a while. We both go back and forth a lot on whether we should stay together or not, but we do Love each other and always stay together.
About 9 months ago I ran into an old classmate that lives in a different state while attending college. I had a crush on him in high school (before I met my boyfriend). He and I talked all night and even ended up kissing quite a lot. I went to his house the next day with another friend and we kissed again but I told I couldn’t do anything more than that.
We have kept in contact through phone calls once in a while, emails and texting. He has told me that he always liked me but was too shy in High school to say anything. When he first went back to school we talked a lot. We have talked about being together as a couple and even about having sex the next time he comes to visit. I have strong feelings for him but I don’t know how strong and I don’t know how serious he really is about me. It’s hard to know someone’s true feelings just from a text message. I know he is busy a lot and now sometimes we go a week or two without even talking. But when we do he always makes me laugh and smile.
About 2 months ago I found pictures of my boyfriend kissing another girl. And I ended up telling him about what I had done. When he found out he decided that he needed to change his life around for me and for our son because he realized how easily he could loose me. And he has changed a lot! He even has said that he wants to get married this year. I love him very much and don’t want to be the one to tear our little family apart but…
I still think about this other person and it makes me wonder how I can love one person but think about leaving him for someone else.
The big question is Do I try and work it out with my boyfriend of 7 years and the father of my son or do I risk it all on something that may or may not work? If it does work I know it could be so good!!! But if it doesn’t work I am left with nothing. I don’t want to regret either decision I make but I need to make one soon because it’s tearing me apart!
Please Help!
Torn

How can I tell if a guy is really over his ex?

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:43:37 -0800

There are two great guys in my life right now, and both have shown interest in dating me. However, I have some concerns about their pasts. One has been divorced for 8 months after being married for 7 years (I've known him for 14 years total).

The other is a guy I've known for about a year, and he's never been married but got out of a short relationship about 6 months ago - the girl broke it off with him and he wanted to stay with her.

Clearly these are unique situations and I'm not expecting any magic formula, but what signs can I watch for to tell if they're really over their exes? Both are truly great guys, so I don't want to rule them out based on past relationships.

Help me!

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 23:46:32 -0800

I need your advice. I am going to be 16 this month and I'm going with a guy for more than 1 year. We love each other very much and we do keep contact too. Right now he's not working and nobody in my family knows about him, they don't like commitment before mariage. The thing is one day I went staying at my cousin's place and it was his birthday, so I phoned him at midnight to wish him. He was waiting for my call. The thing is he wanted to meet me so urgently and I accepted. He met me around 3.00 a.m at my cousin's place. I sneaked out and met him (my small cousin helped me). So nobody knew till the next day because my small cousin could not hide her excitement and told it to my grandma. She told this to everybody. They so talked about behind my back. I'm so depressed. That afternoon, my aunt asked me to come on the terrace to talk with me. She told me everything that happened that night and everyone knows the truth now. I could not hold back my tears.

I told my aunt that night, that I broke up with him (lie). The next morning they told my mum and she confiscated my mobile. I really love my boyfriend and now I don't know what to do. Tell him everything? Break up with him? My studies first? Or studies and engagement in the meantime?

My boyfriend needs space from me

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 05:08:49 -0800

I need relationship advice, Please help!?
Hey, as a woman, I'm totally & utterly confused! I understand that when a guy has problems he needs space & needs to withdraw from his girlfriend, only to return to her when he is feeling fine again. But what about this scenario?
He wants you to leave him alone & give him space, says that it's not over, you are still together but he is going through alot of problems right now that he can't deal with a relationship at the moment.
when I ask, what if you turn around in a few days and say that you can't be in a relationship with me, he answers 'I can't make any promises but then implied that we will see each other soon. I replied 'that's if you stay with me', and he said I'm fine I just need space'.
What on earth does that mean? Please help!

By the way, when we first started dating 2 months ago he did tell me that when he has problems he needs to be alone and completely back away. Just a few days ago he did tell me he loved me on the phone, if that helps, and we talked about what we would do when we saw each other next. Since then though he has been very distant, told me he's been busy and going through some problems, which he won't discuss with me.

I did ask him if there was someone else, as I have been cheated on before. and he said no there is no one in my life, I just can't deal with a relationship at the moment I have too much going on. But we are still together. He said he would contact me.

He got burned before, so now he's scared... what should I do?

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 13:30:55 -0800

I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months now who I've known for 7 years. He's always been the outgoing, friendly, boisterous guy who everyone knows. He rarely has girlfriends, and was pretty much dumped cold & walked out on by his ex about 6 months ago. They had the kind of relationship that for every good day, there were about five bad days. They only recently talked for the first time since she broke up with him. Everyone could see he cared for her immensely although they fought like crazy.

He lives close to me so I see him all the time. When he became single again, I didn't think much of it that we started to talk more and more. One thing led to another, and before we knew it he was spending the night once, twice, three times a week...

We get along fantastically. We joke around and laugh, and can talk for hours. He's honest about everything and anything, and I can be my total self around him. Not to mention the chemistry in the bedroom - it's explosive. If anything, it's become better the more we get to know each other as more than friends.

We've had a few talks about where things are headed, and a big one came last night. He says that he loves spending time with me, cares about me, but he's scared. He "wishes he met me five years ago" before he got burned so badly by two long term girlfriends. He's not ready for another girlfriend.. but he doesn't want to stop hanging out with me either. He loves who I am and how we are when we're together.

I'm confused about what I should do at this point. I know he cares, but I wonder if he hasn't had enough time to get over things that happened with his breakup. Then again, I've always believed people come into other people's lives for reasons... and if I walked away from this, I'd be kicking myself with "what if." Should I take a step back? Should I continue being with him and hope that continuing to see each other will help him to get over things?

Relationship bumps and endings

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:42:47 -0800

I have been in my current relationship for 3 years. I love my boyfriend deeply and we have been living together the last 2 1/2 years.
However, over the last 4 months (well I noticed it before but its gotten more problematic the last 4) how immature my partner is. He is 25 and he refuses to in any way admit he is not entirely grown up.

He is extremely lovely but he is not responsible. I look after him, cook for him, wash his clothes... he calls his mother EVERY day 3x a day.. tells her ALL our small arguments and every detail of our lives. Yet when I call my mother he wont give me a moments privacy to speak. I cant make a phonecall or travel to see my parents without him coming too... i literally havent been alone for 1 night in 3 years. Now he is pressuring me to get married and start having children.

Because of this knocking of heads we have started arguing all the time. 'pick up your clothes' 'your not my mother' etcetc.. i cant see the fighting ending till he is alone for a while and grows up.

He cant do anything alone without seeking approval.. he is a little aggressive to everyone but me. I am the only person in his life he is polite of or scared of or who he respects. He makes a terrible first impression with people.. he is a professional sportsman and only gets on with his teammates and people in the industry. He is used to an easy life where people suck up to him. As a result he doesnt have any mutual firends with me as everyone is 'beneath' him.

I cant wait for him to grow up any longer. I once asked him for a break or a complete break up and I said 'maybe in the future we would be in a better place to progress in our relationship.'..... he went nuts. Screaming shouting... telling me he would never speak to me again if we ended it. Basically he told me if its over, its over.. he doesnt want friendship or to ever speak to me again so if its over its over. My best friend, my partner GONE. Just like that.

I feel emotionally blackmailed as I cant even have a break to clear my thoughts and at the same time I cant wait for him any more... i gave him 3 years of my life hoping love would conquer all and we'd grow up together and mature... and now im devestated. How can I end this?

Will any one ever love me again? I think of the small things.. like holding hands as we watch tv.. or how we have pet names. How he isnt ashamed of me.. Will I ever have that again??

I do love him.. but my mother once said that sometimes 'love isnt ENOUGH'. She believes he is all talk.. that if we break up... he would eventually in a year or two speak to me again. All i know is our fighting has to stop and that now.. at this age we cant go on.

Please dont tell me to seek therapy as personally I am not comfortable with it (or with my schedule have any free time!!) I just need someone who has been in love before to tell me their perspective.

Thank u!

Restless

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 12:44:08 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 years (since I was 16). We've never broken up during this time and currently own a house together. Things look pretty good from the outside but lately I find myself getting increasingly restless thinking about that fact that he's the only person I've ever dated. I find myself checking other guys out more, made the mistake of cheating on my boyfriend once (though, honestly, I didn't do anything more than makeout with the other guy but I still felt guilty). My boyfriend and I talk about marriage, especially since all of his friends are starting to get married, and frankly everytime he brings up the thought of proposing I get a knot in my stomach and not necessarily the good kind. He's a great guy all around and I can't really imagine my life without him but it scares me to think that I will be with ONLY him. Am I missing out on life?

He Constantly Tries to Make Me Jealous

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:17:58 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. There is one thing he does that really bothers me. Every time he starts to talk about a woman he knows, whether through work or school, he ends with "I think she has a crush on me." This has happened several times, and he says it EVERY time unless he is talking about a family member. I am not a very jealous person by nature, and I'm fine with him having female friends but he insists that every girl he meets, whether it's a professor, a woman at work, etc., has a crush on him. I'm starting to get really irritated by it. I usually laugh it off and change the subject. What is he getting at here? Am I dating a jerk or am I the one who is overreacting?

Promiscuous Friend

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:58:46 -0800

I have a friend who is in her mid-twenties and a single mom. She has a good job, a stable home, and is a good parent to her toddler daughter. However, when she meets a man she tends to sleep with and introduce them to her daughter quickly. This has resulted in a string of bad relationships and disappearing daddy figures. I know she means well and doesn't go into these situations completely blind, but I feel like she's damaging not only herself but, more importantly, her daughter. I am by no means a saint, although I have always given a comfortable grace period between the first date and intercourse, but I think if you have a child the last thing you want to do is teach them that men are unreliable and that opening your legs to any John Doe is a good idea. Anyway, I feel weird approaching this subject with her. Part of me thinks I shouldn't say anything, but I care about her and her daughter. Beyond that, it irks me that every time we talk she's telling me about a new guy or a bad breakup. When I ask if her child has met the bum, she always says, "well, duh!" or something to that effect. Help!

Baby = Marriage

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:59:00 -0800

Hello, I need some advice.
I'm 4 months pregnant with my boyfriend of 7 months. This definitely wasn't planned but we are thankful for this blessing and will have the baby in June. The problem is that we aren't yet financially stable with our lives and not ready for "marriage" especially not a month before my baby is born. We don't have a place of our own yet and we both live with our own families. I reallllly want to have a nice home and everything in it ready for my new family. Seems like the only way we can get financial help from both parents is if we obey them and get married before the baby comes. My boyfriend says hes not ready to get married and doesn't want to be forced to do this. I don't mind at all considering the only bad thing coming from marriage is the commitment. If we don't get married we basically don't get sh*t from our parents. My parents will hate his guts and vice versa. How do I get my boyfriend to understand this? or am I weird? Either way we are planning on living together with our baby so I don't see a big difference. What do you think of this situation?